OR YOUR MUSTACHE

CONFESSIONS

Thu, 01 Oct 2009 13:23:36 -0400

i feel a little wistful when people say the recession is ending.

sometimes when i’m bored, i reread funny emails i sent earlier in the day.

i have a jealousy problem and have been disingenuously blaming it on my ethnicity.

THINGS I JUST HATE

Fri, 04 Sep 2009 13:31:00 -0400

terry gross

gratuitous raisins

park slope

calling strangers

polka dots

MULTITASKINGS

Fri, 17 Jul 2009 15:25:06 -0400

dishes/NPR/beer

dance party/book-edit

phone with mom/gchatting about mom/trying on shoes/starting ten new tumblrs

texting/driving/singalong

seinfeld/ebay/weed/manicure

dog-walking/bill-paying

NEW JOKES, OR: WHY I LOVE FRIENDSHIP

Tue, 02 Jun 2009 01:12:00 -0400

the william morris/endeavor merger: a jew-on-jew hate crime.

… “if by ‘married’ you mean ‘camping.’”

the john and kate + 8 hairdo: party in the front, meth-lab in the back.

the station wagon i’m planning to buy so i can drive my dog around: a subaru outback all-wheel muff-diver.

the biosphere: my dad’s word for the place where blogs live (?), our new word for anything we want to sound funny.

ballzderdash: what we call balderdash, which we’ve never played, but are really looking forward to.

“we shared time”: patrick swayze line from point break, and a great way to sum up some relationships.

ANIMALS I HAVE FOSTERED OR ADOPTED SINCE I BECAME A (REALLY IMPULSIVE) GROWN-UP

Fri, 08 May 2009 02:26:00 -0400

portia, aloof cat who eventually chose to move out, via fire escape

angel, enormous elderly cat with thumbs who beat the shit out of portia

moose/bougie, dog-horse i adopted with boyfriend and then gave to his dad

hamilton, 90 pound pit bull who was a “fear-biter” as a result of being abused by former owners (also tried to kill portia)

ellie, overactive foster dog who scratched my legs till they bruised

superdog, elderly mutt who refuses to play or run at the dog run and has chronic diarrhea (this is when portia stormed out)

lady dog, the most beautiful dog ever abandoned in brooklyn, with a slight tendency to try to rip off superdog’s ears if he looks at her food wrong

THINGS THAT MAY OR MAY NOT BE REAL—I CAN NEVER KEEP IT STRAIGHT

Tue, 05 May 2009 18:04:18 -0400

dwarves

elves

reindeer

unicorns

CELEBRITY CRUSHES (EXTANT)

Fri, 24 Apr 2009 12:02:00 -0400

patrick swayze

andy pettit

leonard cohen

christian slater

barack obama

kurt cobain

karen o

LUKE PERRY

COMPULSIVE BEHAVIOR THAT MAKES ME THE WORLD'S MOST ANNOYING PERSON EVER

Thu, 23 Apr 2009 13:56:06 -0400

i go to the bath house once a year and can’t not say “man, it’s kind of hot in here!” the whole time.

can’t ever order a pre-designed sandwich or juice combination. ever.

i get songs stuck in my head really bad and not only do i inflict them on others, but i often do an all-meow version because i don’t know the words.

REASONS TO ADOPT

Mon, 30 Mar 2009 02:19:00 -0400

if you’re white, there’s a good chance your kid is only going to look cute to you.

i’m fairly certain that labor involves publically pooping?

CHANGES I HAVE EXPERIENCED SINCE GOING ON A TWICE-DAILY REGIMEN OF AMPHETAMINES

Tue, 17 Mar 2009 15:07:00 -0400

i’m anorexic, which isn’t as hot as i thought it would be when i was 13. i have dark circles under my eyes and feel “feeble.” don’t picture fiona apple. it’s not like that.

i can focus for hours, barely knowing where or who i am. so far this brain power is devoted almost entirely to “geode pendant” searches on ebay.

i can do my actual work only when the speed wears off and i get a little drunk.

i am so mad and sweaty. help.

CURRENTLY HOARDING:

Thu, 05 Mar 2009 14:24:00 -0500

six clonopin

the good socks

one jar of pork fat

one million plastic bags and rubber bands

THINGS I JUST LEARNED ABOUT MYSELF

Tue, 24 Feb 2009 20:34:00 -0500

one inch shorter and everything you take for granted would be out of my reach—even on toes.

my face is so small that i’m not allowed to have bangs.

my mom thinks there’s a “nice traditional neapolitan girl” in me.

COMBINATIONS I NEVER WANT TO SEE AGAIN

Thu, 19 Feb 2009 01:22:31 -0500

me + office job

baccala + fennel seeds

MY MOM AND THE FUTURE

Thu, 12 Feb 2009 23:05:39 -0500

my mom got a new printer/scanner and she kept saying it was broken, though “very attractive looking.” It turns out she was trying to slide the install disc into the scanner itself—the part where the paper comes out.

my sister set up the machine and now my mom is sending me emails that say “here is the recipe for the pork and one for that fennel salad…” there are zero attachments and i don’t respond because i’m scared i’ll have to go to her house.

UNSPELLABLE WORDS

Thu, 12 Feb 2009 22:09:48 -0500

exercise

recommend

caribbean

STUFF SUPERDOG ATE IN THE LAST 24 HOURS

Tue, 10 Feb 2009 14:36:28 -0500

my donut

my bialy

two pairs of my underwear

a big bowl of millet, because i hate millet

SHIT I'M SUING GOD FOR

Tue, 10 Feb 2009 12:07:07 -0500

let me get this straight: you get a bill for $775 from the emergency room visit, and then five months later you get a bill for $645 for “doctor’s fees”? fuck you.

omg, acne and crow’s feet at the same time? you’re hilarious!

THINGS THAT ARE THE BEST THINGS THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME

Fri, 30 Jan 2009 16:42:00 -0500

mickey rourke’s fashion statements

mickey rourke’s face statement

the time i saw the hair salon called Hairy Situations. that’s also the name of my new band. but i can’t be the lead singer because every time they announce us i laugh so much.

the time the teacher i worked for told one of the students, who happened to be low-functioning, that she had been making some “weird choices”. Weird Choices is the name of Hairy Situations’ debut album. we’re famous.

RESOLUTIONS 2009

Wed, 17 Dec 2008 18:03:00 -0500

if the saddlebags prove unshrinkable, which they will, i will at least make sure to exfoliate them

i will work on problem with transitions (reduce “getting ready for bed” to under 2 hours)

~~i will stop pretending pernil is an ancient rememedy for whatever is bothering me, like nausea/foot pain/poverty/boredom~~ i will not set myself up for failure

ELEMENTS THAT MAKE ME NEVER WANT TO SEE A MOVIE

Mon, 08 Dec 2008 16:03:00 -0500

war

big skirts

southern accent

orphans

english accent

takes place mostly outdoors

singing

slightest mention of the holocaust

no one gets laid

set before the late 60s

in the trailer, people scream at each other through their tears

anyone dies (unless it’s hilarious. or mobsters)

wigs

AIDS

not enough mumbling

anyone rides a horse at any point

a plot

main characters over age 30

inspirational/uplifting ending

letter-writing accompanied by voice-over

swords