CURRENTLY HOARDING:
six clonopin
the good socks
one jar of pork fat
one million plastic bags and rubber bands
8 months ago
March 5, 2009
February 24, 2009
THINGS I JUST LEARNED ABOUT MYSELF
one inch shorter and everything you take for granted would be out of my reach—even on toes.
my face is so small that i’m not allowed to have bangs.
my mom thinks there’s a “nice traditional neapolitan girl” in me.
8 months ago
February 19, 2009
February 12, 2009
MY MOM AND THE FUTURE
my mom got a new printer/scanner and she kept saying it was broken, though “very attractive looking.” It turns out she was trying to slide the install disc into the scanner itself—the part where the paper comes out.
my sister set up the machine and now my mom is sending me emails that say “here is the recipe for the pork and one for that fennel salad…” there are zero attachments and i don’t respond because i’m scared i’ll have to go to her house.
8 months ago
February 10, 2009
STUFF SUPERDOG ATE IN THE LAST 24 HOURS
my donut
my bialy
two pairs of my underwear
a big bowl of millet, because i hate millet
9 months agoSHIT I'M SUING GOD FOR
let me get this straight: you get a bill for $775 from the emergency room visit, and then five months later you get a bill for $645 for “doctor’s fees”? fuck you.
omg, acne and crow’s feet at the same time? you’re hilarious!
9 months ago
January 30, 2009
THINGS THAT ARE THE BEST THINGS THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME
mickey rourke’s fashion statements
mickey rourke’s face statement
the time i saw the hair salon called Hairy Situations. that’s also the name of my new band. but i can’t be the lead singer because every time they announce us i laugh so much.
the time the teacher i worked for told one of the students, who happened to be low-functioning, that she had been making some “weird choices”. Weird Choices is the name of Hairy Situations’ debut album. we’re famous.
9 months ago
December 17, 2008
RESOLUTIONS 2009
if the saddlebags prove unshrinkable, which they will, i will at least make sure to exfoliate them
i will work on problem with transitions (reduce “getting ready for bed” to under 2 hours)
i will stop pretending pernil is an ancient rememedy for whatever is bothering me, like nausea/foot pain/poverty/boredom i will not set myself up for failure
December 8, 2008
ELEMENTS THAT MAKE ME NEVER WANT TO SEE A MOVIE
war
big skirts
southern accent
orphans
english accent
takes place mostly outdoors
singing
slightest mention of the holocaust
no one gets laid
set before the late 60s
in the trailer, people scream at each other through their tears
anyone dies (unless it’s hilarious. or mobsters)
wigs
AIDS
not enough mumbling
anyone rides a horse at any point
a plot
main characters over age 30
inspirational/uplifting ending
letter-writing accompanied by voice-over
swords
11 months ago