August 2011
1 post
DEAR BOYFRIEND: SOME THINGS HAVE CHANGED SINCE YOU...
i changed the little dog’s name to Choochie
i invented a salad called The Riceberg
everyone’s a tranny now
I fed superdog some nutritional yeast once and now smells like nutritional yeast forever
July 2011
2 posts
OR YOUR MUSTACHE OCCASIONALLY TWEETS
don’t tell anyone
MODERN ROMANCE, OR, PET NAMES FROM MY BOYFRIEND
ned
farthead
titty
June 2011
3 posts
STUFF THAT'S DEFINITELY GIVING ME CANCER RIGHT...
the bug spray that i say i don’t want until i’m in my urban garden for two minutes and covered in fucking mosquito welts
the paint stripper i’m using on the metal rocking chair i reclaimed from the sidewalk because i am one of those people who hates to waste shit and scoffs about rich people and landfills and stuff
nail polish
the medicine that makes me not take everything...
GROUPS I'M RACIST AGAINST
more than one teenager at a time
small dogs
men under 65 in suspenders
pure-bred cats
hasidic men
girls with names like “kiley”
chicken sausages
SIGNS OF CLASSY
not filling anything up all the way
saying “patina”
April 2011
4 posts
THE TIME WE GOT STONED WITH MY UNCLE ON EASTER
he thought he saw a huge firefly but it was a moth flying under a light.
we loosely plotted out a horror/comedy screenplay about giant fireflies that don’t even fit in buckets.
something about chemical reactions.
something about the government.
as we headed back in from the porch he said “man, i really wish i had my laptop here—i have so many pictures of ducks.”
WHAT I LEARNED ABOUT LIFE FROM EAVESDROPPING ON...
going to cancun and never leaving the resort is the perfect vacation because it’s a real vacation. but five days is the right amount of time, because if you stay for a week you get really bored of doing the same things every day.
you need a transitional jacket.
your hands could get so dry that it’s like an emergency.
any kind of animal with bumpy skin is really freaky.
TEI'S GREATEST HITS
“look at those bazooms (they’re shaped just like dabloons)”
“i found it in the fridge”
“who’s gonna put a sharp dart into my dartboard?”
“remember when you loved me (and you used to scrub me)?”
“hey… look at that dog”
“it’s a booty call”
“this is the greatest day (of my entire life)”
TWO MORE NOT-YET REALIZED WEB ENDEAVORS I FORGOT...
jenesaisfoie.com, fake pretentious food blog
point/counterpoint: a web talk show starring me and caleb taped during group acupuncture, where we discuss the past week in cyberspace
March 2011
4 posts
INGENIOUS INTERNET VENTURES I HAVE SO FAR FAILED...
NAMCLA.com (north american man-cat love association), which would be photos of men and their cats, with black bars over their eyes to protect their identities.
voicemailsfromdads.com
a blog called, simply, “no,” or maybe “nope.” it would just be photos of things i disapprove of, like “cake lollipops” and cats on leashes.
obviousforeigner.com
NOOL: think...
WHAT HAPPENED AT CHELSEA MARKET TODAY
the sole of my boot seceded from the rest of the boot in a drastic, not-gradual fashion and i tried to not lift my foot at all, shuffling gimpily until i borrowed some tape from a cashier.
i ran into my ex-best friend with whom i had a horrible falling out more than a decade ago. i don’t think he noticed my shoe. his entire family was gathering for dinner. i sweated in an awkward panic.
i...
OTHER SKILLS
olfactory precision
never being able to remember the word i need to say but always knowing what letter it starts with
break-up counseling
AMAZINGS
my boyfriend just had this realization about the effects of his upbringing by a then-closeted musical-theater-fanatic dad. “i thought everyone sang about what they were doing all the time.”
asked a glowing 38-year old her beauty secret: she was a goth teenager.
WHY DIDN’T ANYONE TELL ME THERE WAS A SHOW CALLED BRIDALPLASTY??????
after-hours at ceramics class is gay sex Q&A...
February 2011
3 posts
STUFF I'M BLAMING ON JEWS
the more relentless edges of my humor
the debilitating east village cold i caught at the bathhouse
WISDOM ABOUT MEN THAT I WILL SOMEDAY SHARE WITH MY...
men are very itchy and dry. they are afraid of the effect lotion will have on their masculinity. don’t waste your time trying to moisturize them.
when men fall down or bang their heads, they get angry instead of crying. don’t take it personally.
real men eat everything that is placed within reach and sight of them. this is the kind of man you want, because they are stronger than the...
REAL-LIFE INSPIRATION FOR MY UPCOMING SITCOM,...
i met a pet portraitist at a surprise bachelorette party for my acupuncturist last week.
i have a wacky neighbor who shows up unannounced and talks about how the government killed michael jackson. his name is “ace”.
my co-writer is a gay bangladeshi with a black baby.
my best friend who’s an agent is going on a date with a girl he recently met at a funeral.
my best friend...
August 2010
1 post
WHAT HAPPENED IN LA
we fought in the car
my boyfriend threw up at the wedding
the caterer walked in on me on the toilet
i crashed the rental car
two large mexicans almost beat us up
cambodian soup
leilani put eye liner on me
medical marijuana
i got half an eye exam for free and may have astigmatisms in both eyes and still don’t need glasses
i used moisturizer with actual gold in it
July 2010
1 post
THINGS MY MOM CAN'T DEAL WITH
people saying stuff is “awesome”
my dad scratching his head
people saying they are “freaking out”
me implying that she does not know how to use the internet/phone
June 2010
1 post
STUFF THAT HAPPENED WHEN MY BOYFRIEND WAS AWAY ON...
i wanted to let the puppy sleep in my bed but she got her period (someone forgot to spay someone… i can’t remember the details), so i made her sleep in a shame hut instead.
my mom sent me an email with a photo that was actually a video of her experience thinking she was taking a photo of my dad wearing 3-D glasses.
i saw a woman pushing a fluffy white cat down 8th avenue in a ruffly...
March 2010
2 posts
CHILDHOOD INDULGENCES I HAVE SACRIFICED DUE TO...
fabric softener
long grain white rice cooked in college inn chicken broth with lots of butter
tanning oil
simultaneous shower/bath
AILMENTS
unwanted thought syndrome
compulsive self-heckling disease
liz lemonitis
love-induced body thickening
barren wallet disorder
December 2009
1 post
MOST DEPRESSING STUFF
someone coughing in another apartment in the middle of the night.
a bunch of girls wearing too much makeup together at a bar.
cheetoh-covered babies on the subway.
October 2009
1 post
CONFESSIONS
i feel a little wistful when people say the recession is ending.
sometimes when i’m bored, i reread funny emails i sent earlier in the day.
i have a jealousy problem and have been disingenuously blaming it on my ethnicity.
September 2009
1 post
THINGS I JUST HATE
terry gross
gratuitous raisins
park slope
calling strangers
polka dots
July 2009
1 post
MULTITASKINGS
dishes/NPR/beer
dance party/book-edit
phone with mom/gchatting about mom/trying on shoes/starting ten new tumblrs
texting/driving/singalong
seinfeld/ebay/weed/manicure
dog-walking/bill-paying
June 2009
1 post
NEW JOKES, OR: WHY I LOVE FRIENDSHIP
the william morris/endeavor merger: a jew-on-jew hate crime.
… “if by ‘married’ you mean ‘camping.’”
the john and kate + 8 hairdo: party in the front, meth-lab in the back.
the station wagon i’m planning to buy so i can drive my dog around: a subaru outback all-wheel muff-diver.
the biosphere: my dad’s word for the place where blogs live...
May 2009
2 posts
ANIMALS I HAVE FOSTERED OR ADOPTED SINCE I BECAME...
portia, aloof cat who eventually chose to move out, via fire escape
angel, enormous elderly cat with thumbs who beat the shit out of portia
moose/bougie, dog-horse i adopted with boyfriend and then gave to his dad
hamilton, 90 pound pit bull who was a “fear-biter” as a result of being abused by former owners (also tried to kill portia)
ellie, overactive foster dog who scratched my...
THINGS THAT MAY OR MAY NOT BE REAL—I CAN NEVER...
dwarves
elves
reindeer
unicorns
April 2009
2 posts
CELEBRITY CRUSHES (EXTANT)
patrick swayze
andy pettit
leonard cohen
christian slater
barack obama
kurt cobain
karen o
LUKE PERRY
COMPULSIVE BEHAVIOR THAT MAKES ME THE WORLD'S MOST...
i go to the bath house once a year and can’t not say “man, it’s kind of hot in here!” the whole time.
can’t ever order a pre-designed sandwich or juice combination. ever.
i get songs stuck in my head really bad and not only do i inflict them on others, but i often do an all-meow version because i don’t know the words.
March 2009
3 posts
REASONS TO ADOPT
if you’re white, there’s a good chance your kid is only going to look cute to you.
i’m fairly certain that labor involves publically pooping?
CHANGES I HAVE EXPERIENCED SINCE GOING ON A...
i’m anorexic, which isn’t as hot as i thought it would be when i was 13. i have dark circles under my eyes and feel “feeble.” don’t picture fiona apple. it’s not like that.
i can focus for hours, barely knowing where or who i am. so far this brain power is devoted almost entirely to “geode pendant” searches on ebay.
i can do my actual work only...
CURRENTLY HOARDING:
six clonopin
the good socks
one jar of pork fat
one million plastic bags and rubber bands
February 2009
6 posts
THINGS I JUST LEARNED ABOUT MYSELF
one inch shorter and everything you take for granted would be out of my reach—even on toes.
my face is so small that i’m not allowed to have bangs.
my mom thinks there’s a “nice traditional neapolitan girl” in me.
COMBINATIONS I NEVER WANT TO SEE AGAIN
me + office job
baccala + fennel seeds
MY MOM AND THE FUTURE
my mom got a new printer/scanner and she kept saying it was broken, though “very attractive looking.” It turns out she was trying to slide the install disc into the scanner itself—the part where the paper comes out.
my sister set up the machine and now my mom is sending me emails that say “here is the recipe for the pork and one for that fennel salad…” there are...
UNSPELLABLE WORDS
exercise
recommend
caribbean
STUFF SUPERDOG ATE IN THE LAST 24 HOURS
my donut
my bialy
two pairs of my underwear
a big bowl of millet, because i hate millet
SHIT I'M SUING GOD FOR
let me get this straight: you get a bill for $775 from the emergency room visit, and then five months later you get a bill for $645 for “doctor’s fees”? fuck you.
omg, acne and crow’s feet at the same time? you’re hilarious!
January 2009
1 post
THINGS THAT ARE THE BEST THINGS THAT EVER HAPPENED...
mickey rourke’s fashion statements
mickey rourke’s face statement
the time i saw the hair salon called Hairy Situations. that’s also the name of my new band. but i can’t be the lead singer because every time they announce us i laugh so much.
the time the teacher i worked for told one of the students, who happened to be low-functioning, that she had been making some...
December 2008
3 posts
RESOLUTIONS 2009
if the saddlebags prove unshrinkable, which they will, i will at least make sure to exfoliate them
i will work on problem with transitions (reduce “getting ready for bed” to under 2 hours)
i will stop pretending pernil is an ancient rememedy for whatever is bothering me, like nausea/foot pain/poverty/boredom i will not set myself up for failure
ELEMENTS THAT MAKE ME NEVER WANT TO SEE A MOVIE
war
big skirts
southern accent
orphans
english accent
takes place mostly outdoors
singing
slightest mention of the holocaust
no one gets laid
set before the late 60s
in the trailer, people scream at each other through their tears
anyone dies (unless it’s hilarious. or mobsters)
wigs
AIDS
not enough mumbling
anyone rides a horse at any point
a plot
main characters over age...
CONCEPTS I'M ENTERTAINING FOR THE NEW YEAR
wood nymph (innocent)
wood nymph (strung out)
i’d like for people to refer to me as “madcap,” so i’ll wear whatever would inspire that. crazy hats? i hate girls who wear crazy hats.
baby eskimo
November 2008
6 posts
BEYONCE FEVER: I DON'T WANT A CURE
seasonal affective disorder who? yesterday i woke up angry and then watched myself cry in the mirror for a few hours. i didn’t see this until late in the evening, thanks to a great friend who may have saved me from becoming a cutter. today i sang and danced everywhere i went.
i sort of feel like this, but instead of a bunch of sensitive honkies singing in a field, all i need is some dance...
THINGS THAT MAKE MY DICK SOFT
mealy apples
boots that zip up the side
strangers sniffling near me
richard lewis
DINNER CONVERSATIONS WITH LEO
me: what are you hungry for? there’s that really yummy leftover chicken in the fridge… leo: (sigh), can we please not talk about this right now?
me: can you eat some more of that broccoli please? leo: i like to move it move it. i like to move it move it.
THREE MOST RECENT DREAMS I CAN REMEMBER
went to a korean restaurant/amusement park in queens where there was anthropomorphized kimchee (i’m talking about singing heads of napa cabbage). i was running around squealing with excitement. there were rides too, obviously.
made noodles by hand with a bunch of old ladies in china. again, giddy with delight.
was somewhere in africa with my family (who were a bunch of black people i...
WORDS I HAVE HAD STUCK IN MY HEAD RECENTLY (MY...
wurzelbacher
prezzemolo (‘parsley’ in italian)
OVERHEARD
on the street: ‘dude, even when you’re a senior, i bet your sister will still be hotter than you’
at the playground: ‘you’re never getting a wii. just forget it’