the william morris/endeavor merger: a jew-on-jew hate crime.
… “if by ‘married’ you mean ‘camping.’”
the john and kate + 8 hairdo: party in the front, meth-lab in the back.
the station wagon i’m planning to buy so i can drive my dog around: a subaru outback all-wheel muff-diver.
the biosphere: my dad’s word for the place where blogs live (?), our new word for anything we want to sound funny.
ballzderdash: what we call balderdash, which we’ve never played, but are really looking forward to.
“we shared time”: patrick swayze line from point break, and a great way to sum up some relationships.
1 month ago
portia, aloof cat who eventually chose to move out, via fire escape
angel, enormous elderly cat with thumbs who beat the shit out of portia
moose/bougie, dog-horse i adopted with boyfriend and then gave to his dad
hamilton, 90 pound pit bull who was a “fear-biter” as a result of being abused by former owners (also tried to kill portia)
ellie, overactive foster dog who scratched my legs till they bruised
superdog, elderly mutt who refuses to play or run at the dog run and has chronic diarrhea (this is when portia stormed out)
lady dog, the most beautiful dog ever abandoned in brooklyn, with a slight tendency to try to rip off superdog’s ears if he looks at her food wrong
2 months ago
i go to the bath house once a year and can’t not say “man, it’s kind of hot in here!” the whole time.
can’t ever order a pre-designed sandwich or juice combination. ever.
i get songs stuck in my head really bad and not only do i inflict them on others, but i often do an all-meow version because i don’t know the words.
2 months ago
if you’re white, there’s a good chance your kid is only going to look cute to you.
i’m fairly certain that labor involves publically pooping?
3 months ago
i’m anorexic, which isn’t as hot as i thought it would be when i was 13. i have dark circles under my eyes and feel “feeble.” don’t picture fiona apple. it’s not like that.
i can focus for hours, barely knowing where or who i am. so far this brain power is devoted almost entirely to “geode pendant” searches on ebay.
i can do my actual work only when the speed wears off and i get a little drunk.
i am so mad and sweaty. help.
3 months ago
six clonopin
the good socks
one jar of pork fat
one million plastic bags and rubber bands
4 months ago
one inch shorter and everything you take for granted would be out of my reach—even on toes.
my face is so small that i’m not allowed to have bangs.
my mom thinks there’s a “nice traditional neapolitan girl” in me.
4 months ago
