OR YOUR MUSTACHE

CONFESSIONS

i feel a little wistful when people say the recession is ending.

sometimes when i’m bored, i reread funny emails i sent earlier in the day.

i have a jealousy problem and have been disingenuously blaming it on my ethnicity.

THINGS I JUST HATE

terry gross

gratuitous raisins

park slope

calling strangers

polka dots

MULTITASKINGS

dishes/NPR/beer

dance party/book-edit

phone with mom/gchatting about mom/trying on shoes/starting ten new tumblrs

texting/driving/singalong

seinfeld/ebay/weed/manicure

dog-walking/bill-paying

NEW JOKES, OR: WHY I LOVE FRIENDSHIP

the william morris/endeavor merger: a jew-on-jew hate crime.

… “if by ‘married’ you mean ‘camping.’”

the john and kate + 8 hairdo: party in the front, meth-lab in the back.

the station wagon i’m planning to buy so i can drive my dog around: a subaru outback all-wheel muff-diver.

the biosphere: my dad’s word for the place where blogs live (?), our new word for anything we want to sound funny.

ballzderdash: what we call balderdash, which we’ve never played, but are really looking forward to.

“we shared time”: patrick swayze line from point break, and a great way to sum up some relationships.

ANIMALS I HAVE FOSTERED OR ADOPTED SINCE I BECAME A (REALLY IMPULSIVE) GROWN-UP

portia, aloof cat who eventually chose to move out, via fire escape

angel, enormous elderly cat with thumbs who beat the shit out of portia

moose/bougie, dog-horse i adopted with boyfriend and then gave to his dad

hamilton, 90 pound pit bull who was a “fear-biter” as a result of being abused by former owners (also tried to kill portia)

ellie, overactive foster dog who scratched my legs till they bruised

superdog, elderly mutt who refuses to play or run at the dog run and has chronic diarrhea (this is when portia stormed out)

lady dog, the most beautiful dog ever abandoned in brooklyn, with a slight tendency to try to rip off superdog’s ears if he looks at her food wrong

THINGS THAT MAY OR MAY NOT BE REAL—I CAN NEVER KEEP IT STRAIGHT

dwarves

elves

reindeer

unicorns

CELEBRITY CRUSHES (EXTANT)

patrick swayze

andy pettit

leonard cohen

christian slater

barack obama

kurt cobain

karen o

LUKE PERRY

COMPULSIVE BEHAVIOR THAT MAKES ME THE WORLD'S MOST ANNOYING PERSON EVER

i go to the bath house once a year and can’t not say “man, it’s kind of hot in here!” the whole time.

can’t ever order a pre-designed sandwich or juice combination. ever.

i get songs stuck in my head really bad and not only do i inflict them on others, but i often do an all-meow version because i don’t know the words.

REASONS TO ADOPT

if you’re white, there’s a good chance your kid is only going to look cute to you.

i’m fairly certain that labor involves publically pooping?

CHANGES I HAVE EXPERIENCED SINCE GOING ON A TWICE-DAILY REGIMEN OF AMPHETAMINES

i’m anorexic, which isn’t as hot as i thought it would be when i was 13. i have dark circles under my eyes and feel “feeble.” don’t picture fiona apple. it’s not like that.

i can focus for hours, barely knowing where or who i am. so far this brain power is devoted almost entirely to “geode pendant” searches on ebay.

i can do my actual work only when the speed wears off and i get a little drunk.

i am so mad and sweaty. help.