DEAR BOYFRIEND: SOME THINGS HAVE CHANGED SINCE YOU LEFT FOR TOUR

i changed the little dog’s name to Choochie

i invented a salad called The Riceberg

everyone’s a tranny now

I fed superdog some nutritional yeast once and now smells like nutritional yeast forever

Posted Saturday, August 6th, at 3:28 AM (∞).

OR YOUR MUSTACHE OCCASIONALLY TWEETS

don’t tell anyone

Posted Thursday, July 28th, at 12:11 PM (∞).

MODERN ROMANCE, OR, PET NAMES FROM MY BOYFRIEND

ned
farthead
titty

Posted Tuesday, July 5th, at 11:03 AM (∞).

STUFF THAT’S DEFINITELY GIVING ME CANCER RIGHT FUCKING NOW

the bug spray that i say i don’t want until i’m in my urban garden for two minutes and covered in fucking mosquito welts

the paint stripper i’m using on the metal rocking chair i reclaimed from the sidewalk because i am one of those people who hates to waste shit and scoffs about rich people and landfills and stuff

nail polish

the medicine that makes me not take everything personally

Posted Thursday, June 30th, at 5:42 PM (∞).

GROUPS I’M RACIST AGAINST

more than one teenager at a time

small dogs

men under 65 in suspenders

pure-bred cats

hasidic men

girls with names like “kiley”

chicken sausages

Posted Monday, June 20th, at 4:16 PM (∞).

SIGNS OF CLASSY

not filling anything up all the way

saying “patina”

Posted Monday, June 6th, at 2:31 PM (∞).

THE TIME WE GOT STONED WITH MY UNCLE ON EASTER

he thought he saw a huge firefly but it was a moth flying under a light.

we loosely plotted out a horror/comedy screenplay about giant fireflies that don’t even fit in buckets.

something about chemical reactions.

something about the government.

as we headed back in from the porch he said “man, i really wish i had my laptop here—i have so many pictures of ducks.”

Posted Monday, April 25th, at 9:11 AM (∞).

WHAT I LEARNED ABOUT LIFE FROM EAVESDROPPING ON OFFICE GIRLS LAST WEEK

going to cancun and never leaving the resort is the perfect vacation because it’s a real vacation. but five days is the right amount of time, because if you stay for a week you get really bored of doing the same things every day.

you need a transitional jacket.

your hands could get so dry that it’s like an emergency.

any kind of animal with bumpy skin is really freaky.

Posted Sunday, April 24th, at 12:01 AM (∞).

TEI’S GREATEST HITS

“look at those bazooms (they’re shaped just like dabloons)”

“i found it in the fridge”

“who’s gonna put a sharp dart into my dartboard?”

"remember when you loved me (and you used to scrub me)?"

“hey… look at that dog”

“it’s a booty call”

“this is the greatest day (of my entire life)”

Posted Thursday, April 21st, at 7:05 PM (∞).

TWO MORE NOT-YET REALIZED WEB ENDEAVORS I FORGOT ABOUT

jenesaisfoie.com, fake pretentious food blog

point/counterpoint: a web talk show starring me and caleb taped during group acupuncture, where we discuss the past week in cyberspace

Posted Thursday, April 7th, at 6:44 PM (∞).

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